Silverboat

I write songs. I'm a song-writer. This is quite uncomfortable to type and state. But my perceived truth is that this is the truth. I'm coming to terms that if I'm consistently creating music, regardless if it is good or bad or shared or not, that I'm a songwriter.

When I was an itty bitty child, I recalled making up tunes in my head and singing in the street and thinking: ohhh! so cool! this sounds cool-I made it! Of course, as soon as the tune is created, it goes away but it was fun.

In elementary school and junior high school, I began writing poems and snippets of songs. It wasn't very good but there were some gems in the mix that I later adapted into full songs. 

In my senior year of high school, I finally created a full song. I was in math class and was terribly bored. The song, melody, lyrics, tune came first and then the title. It was one of the easiest song that came to me. I didn't really have to work for it. 

I would like to share this song, along with the lyrics: Youtube link here. Enjoy!

Silverboat

Jump off a silverboat

thought it was all a dream

woke up once again

turns out to be reality

Lost in a train of thoughts 

think it will go away

stuck in a funky place

I swear, sometimes, I'm just in LaLa Land

so lost, so confused

I can't seem to get it straight

the walls, the sky

it looks the same to me

And it's like 1+1=3

And I can't figure out who's me

Lost in the trance of hypnotizing beat

ponder off to where thoughts should not meet

Care to join me?

Everything's perfect here

thought I saw Mr. Perfect here

He invited me for a walk

onto his silverboat

Right there we shared a dance

Right there he touched my lips

Oh such a perfect kiss!

I swear, sometimes, I'm just in LaLa Land

So lost, so confused 

I can't seem to get it straight

the walls, the sky

it looks the same to me

And it's like 1+1=3

And I'm still figuring out who's me

Lost in the realm of reckless daydream baby

ponder off away from my own sanity

So here ends my fairytale

Here ends my daydream mess

Mr. Perfect's here no more

perhaps he never was

I swear, sometimes I'm just in LaLa Land

so lost, so confused

I can't seem to get it straight

the walls, the sky

it looks the same to me

Perfect, lovely

This is no way to be

It's just a fantasy

So I jump off the silverboat! 

<3

Retelling of tale of the good dog and the bad dog

For the past year or so, it became abundantly clear that I needed to do something with what’s going on inside of myself. I have songs in my head, thoughts in my mind, emotions in my heart, and stories in my soul that was becoming stagnant inside of me.

On multiple occasions, I recalled having this knowingness that a quiet voice, deep within me, is screaming in its meek way, asking to be heard. It wasn’t until recently that I found the words to say it: I want to share my soul. So here I am.

I would like to share a classic parable of the tale of two wolves/dogs. For my own liking, I’ll use dogs instead of wolves in this retelling.

The story goes like this. Inside each and every one of us, there exist two dogs fighting for our attention within. There’s the good dog who represents kindness, compassion, love, and all good things. Then, there’s the bad dog who represents anger, jealousy, hate, and more hurtful things. They are constantly at war. And, what determines who wins is dependent on who we feed; who we give our attention to…

The lesson is to feed the good dog; think of good thoughts; and, be goodness all around. Like most parables, it created an extreme circumstance to prove a point. But, as I gained wisdom in my life, this parable really didn’t sit well with me. Though, I don’t want a war inside me, I don’t want to kill a part of me either.

My good dog has been well-fed and shown off to the world. You all know my good dog. I am kind, compassionate; I am filled with love, laughter, joy, and so much sweetness. I am all of the good characters that a person can embody. But the bad dog is part of me too…

Hurt; Fear; Insecurities; Arrogance; Moments of hate and jealousy. Distrust.

And I’ve been neglecting my bad dog, depriving it of any attention, starving it—perhaps trying to kill it. But that’s not okay.

In my story, I don’t want to feed one and starve the other. I want to show both that I care for both of them, that whatever their nature is, I wholeheartedly accept and embrace them, that I love them. And perhaps then, instead of having a constant battle of good dog vs bad dog…I can just have two dogs who are not pitted against each other because they know I love them both. I cherish both dogs.

And I think so often, people just encourage and embrace the positives that the negatives get repressed. And then, without attention, it fester into a different beast-because it has been holding onto the hurt and distrust for so long.

I am not a girl on a pedestal. I am not perfection. I am not trying to paint myself as a saint. I am a multi-layered whole person.

I’m not writing this for attention (This might be my bad dog talking, making judgments and assumptions of judgments and assumptions that others might have). Keep your “likes” for your needs.

I am writing and sharing because I need to share what my soul/my heart is bursting to share. I’m writing because someone might need to read this to relate, to understand. I’m writing because, right now, every cell in my body is saying I need to.

And, to filter and repress myself; to only show my strength and grace is to deny myself of what is real. The good and the bad.

I don’t intend to showcase every negative thought because that’s unnecessary. But I do plan to share what I feel is important to share: the good and the bad. My good dog has been really well-fed, but my poor bad dog has been abandoned by me. And, I’m trying to heal that relationship. 

Awakening from the dream

A few days ago I woke up from a pretty telling dream.

It started out as a typical boy-girl dream. There’s a girl who likes a boy and the boy seems to like her too. A very innocent dream of girl likes boy-does he like me, does he not? I was the girl.

The setting was in a vacation place and we were getting ready to do some water activities, but we had to shower and get dressed first. So, we went to a dorm like setting where there was a common room before the showers.

Then, suddenly, this other girl appeared in the dream. I don't know who she was, but her presence was so familiar. She took over the conversation and, at one point, tried to show him my dirty laundry-literally. I made some protest and didn’t want to be further involved so I moved away to the shower stall, trying to get ready to head to the waters. But then she followed me.

For whatever reason, I felt a need to appeal to her to diffuse the situation so I tried to show her my vulnerability. Something about white-streaks marks being stuck on me because of the sunscreen I was using, sillyness. But, in my dream, that was something that was very vulnerable. We fixed the sunscreen situation by using water to rinse out the streaks. All seems well…

...Until we went outside and I was a bit further away than her and she started throwing things at me. I don’t remember what she was throwing at me. Something that was not innately dangerous or malice except for the fact that she was throwing them in a hostile and aggressive way towards me. I might have vocalized for her to stop but she didn’t.

Eventually, I tried to find some objects nearby to throw back at her to defend myself. I was attempting to hit the objects that she was throwing at me-not aiming for her. I think I had nails nearby.

Then, the boy showed up and I was trying to have him see and understand the situation, but he didn’t. He defended her and said something like “look at what she’s throwing at you, she’s not hurting you.” But she was. She attacked me even though I protested.

I stopped trying to defend myself using her method of throwing things because I felt like I was being drawn into the vicious cycle. Though I stopped, she continued. So, I tried to block what was tossed at me and succeed for a little bit. Eventually, she got hold of some nails and started throwing those, culminating in her finding a knife and tossing it at me. I took a moment to think and wasn’t able to dodge it and it nicked my throat. I woke up.

It was a crazy dream. But, heartbreakingly, it’s not the first time that a theme like this sneaks into my dream world. Essentially, here’s the significance broken down:

1)      My voice, my truth, is damaged, hurt, and lost.

2)      I didn’t know how to get out of that cycle of abuse without getting hurt.

3)      The process of constantly trying to evade attacks is exhausting and draining.

4)      I felt a need to appeal to people who are trying hurt me through showing my vulnerability in a desperate hope that they won’t see me as a threat; in a hope that they won’t want to hurt me because I’m weak.

5)      There was a part of me that felt like I needed a physical injury to show that tool-of-guy, the unfortunate only witness, that I’m hurt and need understanding.

I don’t know if I’m comfortable with sharing, or quite fully understanding, where this sense of hurt came from. Nonetheless, it is so apparent that it’s there and that I’ve lost my voice for so long. I would say things, try to share my soul/my truth and not be heard. And, that hurts.

I thought it is important that I begin to find my voice again by sharing this dream. 

I care, but I don't, what you make of it. 

Admitting Imperfections

"I am imperfection in the best form and I am not striving to be perfect but I am striving to be better"

-written by me in 2014

I started this post in 2014...it was tucked away in my draft folder. Frankly, I've started incubating the idea of this post from the get-go of creating this blog.

I want to show my imperfections...But nonetheless, I found it very difficult to do.

It is like I'm known for being positive amongst friends and kind souls-I'm a radiant sunshine and unicorns follow me wherever I go! (That's not true but I'll like to believe that's how my friends see me...haha) And for every negative thing I say or think, I spin it so that it has a profound reasoning or I argue myself against it. It's complete bullshit if you ask me!

I'm not trying to say that I'm fronting a positive life. I'm just angry at myself for not allowing myself to be angry, to be upset, to have negative thoughts. In that way, I always feel like a fraud...

But I don't want to be a fraud. So let the showcasing of imperfection begin! Let's rewrite my life where I don't gloss over my imperfections.

So much love,
atypicaljanedoe

2013, 2014, 2015...and counting...

It's been a long time! Hello there.

Looking at this blog, I find it humorous how there are a few posts yearly. Time to do my duty and create some 2015 posts. :)

Based on posts from my past self on this blog, it seems:

• 2013 was my "wake up call"
• 2014 was my "action year"

I'm curious about--what would that make 2015 for me? What are you suppose to do once you've woken up and taken actions?

Before I can answer my self-generated, never-ending list of questions (specifically the two questions above), I feel like I need to back-track...

I agree with my past self that 2013 was a wake up call. However, I disagree strongly that 2014 was my action year. In 2014, I definitely did act- but it wasn't directed, intentional actions. It would be wrong to call it an action year. Here's some backstory:

Essentially, for majority of my life, I lived inside a bubble. It was a beautiful, imperfect bubble where things are the way they are and I didn't have to give things much thought. Because I was protected and sheltered in my bubble, I didn't know of limitations and it allowed me to dream. I dreamed that life outside my bubble is as guaranteed as life inside my bubble. I didn't think about the details. 

My bubble eventually popped and I entered the world bubbleless. Things quickly didn't add up because I was so enveloped in my bubble-world that I didn't know how to function in a bubbleless world. That was when I woke up.

Unfortunately, people do not just wake up and jump into actions. There's a hazy moment. There's a panic moment. There's confusion. This is especially true when you wake up and you realized that you were one of the latter ones to wake up. You rush and you try to slap yourself together and fit in. That's what my 2014 was all about.

2014 was a year of playing "grown-up." It was a year of gathering data and doing things so I can come up with a plan. It was a year where I'm busy hustling and bustling to try to figure it all out and I don't know what to call it. 2015 sort of blends into that same pattern. But I didn't have to hustle and bustle outward as much. It's all inward work.

So, I'm still figuring life out. But I'm awake, I'm alert, and I'm ready for life.

Till next time!

So much love,
atypicaljanedoe

The Trigger Point

I’ve recently realized I’ve gotten myself into a pretty crappy situation. I’ve always been very stupid and unaware of danger so this is not an uncommon occurrence. But this specific situation, or more accurately put-environment, has been tearing me down more so than I’ve ever experience. And, it is not providing me much insight either so ultimately, it’s complete crap.

Let me explain myself, I’m always up for a challenge. I’m up for some beat down if it leads to some new learned knowledge and profound findings of who I am. But…in this current situation, I see none of that. Truth be told, I can probably always learn something new and I do…but the toxicity of my current environment is overshadowing any benefit it might produce.

Simply, I’ve stupidly allowed myself to be dragged into a whirlwind of negativity. It has become such a beast to the point where every corner of my life seems to attract more toxicity and my usually high tolerance and patience for negative things has jumped out the window and said “I quit”. At this point, I honestly have to say “I can’t stand this shit anymore. I’m so done. Fuck you.”

I would like to believe the person who just said the above quotation is not the essence of who I am and because of that, it is frustrating. Negativity has so consumed my life. Hence, I want to address a few things, my angry vent:

1) I’m capable of many things and anything. We are all. Don’t drag me down just because you don’t believe in you and thus you don’t believe in me. I FUCKING CAN.

2) There doesn’t have to be a motive to every action. Desire is enough as long as you don’t hurt anyone. Intention matters and if you have bad intention—you suck.

3) Fuck with the He said, she said. I’m not in high school. I don’t care. I don’t want to be dragged into drama. I don’t want to play the blame game. Open, honest communication is key and if you can’t do that. I can’t deal with your shit.

This episode of mine has all been triggered because I was sick and then I was questioned. It’s petty but it’s the tipping point. I can be sick and post facebook pictures without having my integrity questioned. I refuse to not do something simply so I can fit a standard of what it means to be sick. If you are in an environment where you have to constantly question the motives and honesty of those around you, I suggest you get the fuck out because that’s not how life should be.

Here's a disclaimer note: To be honest, I think the people in my life are great. And though my above vent is a tad angry, I’m not trying to attack anyone. I’m just really upset at all the deceit, hypocrisy, and negative thoughts people have of one another. So yeah, ending vent.

atypicalJaneDoe

P.S. Not the Come-back Entry I wanted but it is important to be honest. This is step #1 to positive change. Step #2: Make the choice. Step #3: Follow through.

Relaunch in April/May 2014

Hey all,

To those randoms readers that end on my blog, just letting you know that I am determined to relaunch later this Spring. I just feel like I need some time to regroup. And, by setting up a launch date...it makes me feel like it is more official and that there is a fresh start. So stay tune!

So much love,
atypicalJaneDoe