Awakening from the dream

A few days ago I woke up from a pretty telling dream.

It started out as a typical boy-girl dream. There’s a girl who likes a boy and the boy seems to like her too. A very innocent dream of girl likes boy-does he like me, does he not? I was the girl.

The setting was in a vacation place and we were getting ready to do some water activities, but we had to shower and get dressed first. So, we went to a dorm like setting where there was a common room before the showers.

Then, suddenly, this other girl appeared in the dream. I don't know who she was, but her presence was so familiar. She took over the conversation and, at one point, tried to show him my dirty laundry-literally. I made some protest and didn’t want to be further involved so I moved away to the shower stall, trying to get ready to head to the waters. But then she followed me.

For whatever reason, I felt a need to appeal to her to diffuse the situation so I tried to show her my vulnerability. Something about white-streaks marks being stuck on me because of the sunscreen I was using, sillyness. But, in my dream, that was something that was very vulnerable. We fixed the sunscreen situation by using water to rinse out the streaks. All seems well…

...Until we went outside and I was a bit further away than her and she started throwing things at me. I don’t remember what she was throwing at me. Something that was not innately dangerous or malice except for the fact that she was throwing them in a hostile and aggressive way towards me. I might have vocalized for her to stop but she didn’t.

Eventually, I tried to find some objects nearby to throw back at her to defend myself. I was attempting to hit the objects that she was throwing at me-not aiming for her. I think I had nails nearby.

Then, the boy showed up and I was trying to have him see and understand the situation, but he didn’t. He defended her and said something like “look at what she’s throwing at you, she’s not hurting you.” But she was. She attacked me even though I protested.

I stopped trying to defend myself using her method of throwing things because I felt like I was being drawn into the vicious cycle. Though I stopped, she continued. So, I tried to block what was tossed at me and succeed for a little bit. Eventually, she got hold of some nails and started throwing those, culminating in her finding a knife and tossing it at me. I took a moment to think and wasn’t able to dodge it and it nicked my throat. I woke up.

It was a crazy dream. But, heartbreakingly, it’s not the first time that a theme like this sneaks into my dream world. Essentially, here’s the significance broken down:

1)      My voice, my truth, is damaged, hurt, and lost.

2)      I didn’t know how to get out of that cycle of abuse without getting hurt.

3)      The process of constantly trying to evade attacks is exhausting and draining.

4)      I felt a need to appeal to people who are trying hurt me through showing my vulnerability in a desperate hope that they won’t see me as a threat; in a hope that they won’t want to hurt me because I’m weak.

5)      There was a part of me that felt like I needed a physical injury to show that tool-of-guy, the unfortunate only witness, that I’m hurt and need understanding.

I don’t know if I’m comfortable with sharing, or quite fully understanding, where this sense of hurt came from. Nonetheless, it is so apparent that it’s there and that I’ve lost my voice for so long. I would say things, try to share my soul/my truth and not be heard. And, that hurts.

I thought it is important that I begin to find my voice again by sharing this dream. 

I care, but I don't, what you make of it.