The Trigger Point

I’ve recently realized I’ve gotten myself into a pretty crappy situation. I’ve always been very stupid and unaware of danger so this is not an uncommon occurrence. But this specific situation, or more accurately put-environment, has been tearing me down more so than I’ve ever experience. And, it is not providing me much insight either so ultimately, it’s complete crap.

Let me explain myself, I’m always up for a challenge. I’m up for some beat down if it leads to some new learned knowledge and profound findings of who I am. But…in this current situation, I see none of that. Truth be told, I can probably always learn something new and I do…but the toxicity of my current environment is overshadowing any benefit it might produce.

Simply, I’ve stupidly allowed myself to be dragged into a whirlwind of negativity. It has become such a beast to the point where every corner of my life seems to attract more toxicity and my usually high tolerance and patience for negative things has jumped out the window and said “I quit”. At this point, I honestly have to say “I can’t stand this shit anymore. I’m so done. Fuck you.”

I would like to believe the person who just said the above quotation is not the essence of who I am and because of that, it is frustrating. Negativity has so consumed my life. Hence, I want to address a few things, my angry vent:

1) I’m capable of many things and anything. We are all. Don’t drag me down just because you don’t believe in you and thus you don’t believe in me. I FUCKING CAN.

2) There doesn’t have to be a motive to every action. Desire is enough as long as you don’t hurt anyone. Intention matters and if you have bad intention—you suck.

3) Fuck with the He said, she said. I’m not in high school. I don’t care. I don’t want to be dragged into drama. I don’t want to play the blame game. Open, honest communication is key and if you can’t do that. I can’t deal with your shit.

This episode of mine has all been triggered because I was sick and then I was questioned. It’s petty but it’s the tipping point. I can be sick and post facebook pictures without having my integrity questioned. I refuse to not do something simply so I can fit a standard of what it means to be sick. If you are in an environment where you have to constantly question the motives and honesty of those around you, I suggest you get the fuck out because that’s not how life should be.

Here's a disclaimer note: To be honest, I think the people in my life are great. And though my above vent is a tad angry, I’m not trying to attack anyone. I’m just really upset at all the deceit, hypocrisy, and negative thoughts people have of one another. So yeah, ending vent.

atypicalJaneDoe

P.S. Not the Come-back Entry I wanted but it is important to be honest. This is step #1 to positive change. Step #2: Make the choice. Step #3: Follow through.

Relaunch in April/May 2014

Hey all,

To those randoms readers that end on my blog, just letting you know that I am determined to relaunch later this Spring. I just feel like I need some time to regroup. And, by setting up a launch date...it makes me feel like it is more official and that there is a fresh start. So stay tune!

So much love,
atypicalJaneDoe

Growing Up

Some days are easier than others and today I'm having an off day. To be honest, my off days actually happens more frequently than I would like but it has become a lot better since the new year and I've been seeing things in more of a perspective. However, I'm a little bit frustrated today.

There's this reoccurring message that the universe seems to be throwing in my face: grow up. Let me clarify, I'm fully aware that I need to grow up and that I'm growing up and that I am a grown up. I am working on it. I am trying to figure out my life and I am really aware of this need to have my life become stable...to have a career. I consider myself an ambitious person and I know I have nothing to show for right now but I am conscious of it and working on discovering my path.

In 2013, all I did was stressed out about what I should be doing with my life and it took a lot to calm myself down and start fresh, to feel inspired and motivated again. I have so many failures under my belt that 2013 was a tipping point and it was difficult for me to recover. I HATED myself in 2013. And I am ashamed of myself for feeling that way but I felt like I was insignificant.

I don't want 2014 to be a repeat of me feeling incompetent. I don't know what I'm doing with my life still. I want too many things and I strive too high. The reality is I might fall flat on my face and I don't want that. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. So hearing people (as good intention as they may be) remind me of my need to grow up does not do me any good. I am working on it.

But I did give myself a due date. I do have a game plan. I do have a time line. And I have made plans and back up plans. I am figuring out what I like and what I don't. I am taking chances and, most important, I am trying.

I am taking dance classes again. I am signed up for acting classes. I did take a kids yoga certification course and have a few more educational courses that I plan to take. I haven't figured out a way to combine all my interests and love into one career but I'm taking chances in everything. So my respond to growing up...yes, I do need to grow up...but people do it differently and not all process can be seen.

So much love,
atypicalJaneDoe. 

Wake up to reality

I haven't accomplished as much as I set out to accomplish in 2013. However, that is not to say 2013 was a failure because I refuse to believe it is. Rather, 2013 was a wake up call and now that I'm awake it's time for action.

Simply put...I'm still kind of dazed with the realization that everything I've ever wanted sort of fell apart (I'll give the details later). And since I've officially graduated from college the reality of becoming an adult dawned on me. It's time to grow up and figure things out--fast!

I'm a generation Y kid. I grew up with the message of: "You are special and unique...just like everyone else" and I don't know what to do with the smack hard realization that my fantasy ideals don't fit reality standards. I mean...what are you suppose to do when everything you've ever wanted turns out to be impossible for you. And then of course there's the question of: what is it that you really want? Do you really really want it? Do you deserve it? Is that you?


I guess I'm just ranting along but it is so important that I start writing today. So here's my end message: Time to wake up and figure things out. Most importantly, time to take action. Let 2014 be the year of action...let today be the start. With that note, I'm going to say good night because it is super important to me to get my health back in order and go on a routine.

So much love,
atypicalJaneDoe. 

Working towards my list of happy

          Happiness doesn't have to make sense. Happiness is a feeling of extreme content; it is heavily linked with desire. Therefore, though when I go through my list and a lot of the items don't connect with one another, that is okay because I am staying true to what I desire. I can be random, or as I would like to call myself: diverse, atypical, AWESOME, so I have random things on my list. Amongst the random things on my list is to attend a bartender workshop.

        I don't drink; I don't handle alcohol well. The reason why I want to attend a bartender workshop is just because. I like to have a random assortment of skills and learning how to mix drinks sounds like I'll become lots of fun during parties. Plus, it is one of those skills that I can perhaps use to make some extra checks in the future. And, I am proud to say I am taking steps toward it. 

        I have recently purchased a livingsocial deal towards it. Now, there are tons of bartender workshop in NYC and even more so that offers a deal. But, I did my research and this place is amongst the more reasonably priced and best reviewed (I only trust places that have yelp reviews). Therefore, if you are like me and like to do random things, hop on the deal now. (I would greatly appreciate if you would click on the link so I can get referral credit, since-hey!- if you are planning to get it, why not help a girl out and give me some credit, Karma could be awesome.) If that's not your thing, start your thing! Now is the time!

      I am a true believer of if I can do, so can you. So I'm making progress and I hope you are too!

So much love,
atypicalJaneDoe.

Here's the link: http://www.livingsocial.com/deals/493362?rpi=104099512&ref=personalized-link-box-104099512&rui=28540324

Tweet, tweet!

Just a quick post: I'm on twitter!

https://twitter.com/atypicalJaneDoe

Just working my way to make more of an online presence since everything is on the internet nowadays...I want to leave my mark to. Rawr! Follow me!

Attitude!

           Attitude is everything. A wise mentor of mine once told me that "one's attitude decides one's altitude" and I took it to heart. Therefore, I always try to stay positive. Essentially, that's the main message in all secrets to success. Think about the law of attraction (that likes attracts like so be positive) and the idea of manifesting-- they all share the belief that your perspective/attitude makes a difference. I don't how true this is but I think a positive attitude brings more joy so I'll stick with that.

         This is the break down of how my week went and how attitude comes into play: I started the week off with a melt down. I was in my darkened room, bawling over the fact that I missed a dance class due to train malfunction. Of course the real reason wasn't about missing the dance class, but it was a tipping point. I was just at a point where I felt like I'm a failure. I feel like I always fail and I know that failures are okay if you strive high enough, but I was so sick of failing. Anyway, so I was crying and sulking and then I decided to stop. I wrote my blog post and I felt a new sense of "It's going to be okay." And, it was.

         If you've been reading my posts, then you should sense that I'm the type of person that has this raging desire to conquer all. Recently, life has just been pretty boring and that frustrates me a bit. Doing nothing is fine and great, I can't just do nothing all the time though. So, with all the free time that I had, I decided to apply for a few jobs that caught my eye. However, it has been three weeks and I had yet to receive any reply from them. Two days after that bawling incident-- I finally received replies back from two jobs that fit into my life so well and filled my life with so many possibilities. One job is set; I will be part of a team who writes mathematical questions for a company. This job is extremely flexible and provides me the freedom to explore other fields while still managing to have the financial security. The other job is completely out of my comfort zone. However, since discovering this particular job, I felt like a new door has opened for me. This job is still up in the air, they have contacted me for a group interview. I have never done a group interview before so the anticipation of the group interview caused me much distress. I was unable to sleep well since hearing the exciting news. I was freaking out and thinking of all the ways I could stick my foot in my mouth and mess this up.

        With all the built up anticipation, this was how I arrived back to my positive attitude: right before the interview, I went to Starbucks and I wrote a letter to myself. In the letter to myself, I hit a few points that I would like to share with you. I asked and answered these questions:
1) Who are you?
2) What do you want? Why are you doing what you are doing?
3) Will you be okay?
I feel like if you could answer those questions confidently then you should feel reassured. It reassured me. The group interview went smoothly. I am now waiting to hear back from them before I update you with what's in store for me and what the job is.

         So the point of sharing what happened this past week with you is that I really felt like my positive belief that "it's going to be okay" plays a part in the outcome of this week. I mean, I don't think my positive attitude plays a part in me getting the first job and the group interview for the latter one; but I do think it influences how I was seen by my interviewer during the group interview. If I was to dwell on failure, then I would not be able to socialize with people in a positive manner. In turn, I would not be able to do well on the group interview. Of course it is too soon to say if the interview went well, but it did went better than I could hope for so I am happy with it. Anyway, I had great week and I think being positive helps. SO, BE HAPPY! Sending you warm wishes in this lovely month of love!

So much love,
atypicalJaneDoe.